The 2008 Pink'un/NCFC Xmas Panto Musical - The Full Version

[Mister Chops 7]

Right, here we go with the full unedited version, acts 1 & 2.

Don''t expect too much, as I had to cobble everything together at short notice and without any money.  For example, I stole that line from Glenn Roeder''s programme notes.

I intend to send a copy to the football club and see if they fancy putting on a version in Top of the Terrace.


- - - - -

The Wizard of Oz


CURTAIN UP:

The curtain rises to reveal a farm in Aylsham. DOROTHY (played by City Angel) is sitting on a farm stile with her dog, TOTO (played by Lappinitup''s avatar).

DOROTHY: Oh, Toto. That six-nil defeat against Preston was simply unbearable. Will we ever see Norwich win again?

TOTO: Ruff ruff. Ruff.

DOROTHY: I know, Toto. I know things are bad. Aunt Em and Uncle Henry, they say I should stop wasting my time at Carrow Road. They say I should stop believing in miracles. But you know what?

TOTO: Ruff ruff ruff?

DOROTHY: Exactly. When I feel this way, I like to remember what my good old Nutty Uncle Nigel likes to say.

(MUSIC – TOMORROW)

DOROTHY: (Sings)

Bryan Gunn''ll come out
Tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow
There''ll be Gunn!

When we''re eight nil down
and grey,
And lonely,
I just stick out my chin
And Grin,
And Say,
Oh!

Bryan Gunn''ll come out
Tomorrow
So ya gotta hang on
''Til tomorrow
Come what may
Tomorrow! Tomorrow!
I love ya Tomorrow!
You''re always
A day
A way!

TOTO: Ruff ruff ruff?

DOROTHY: Yes, I know. It''s the wrong musical. Oh, but good old uncle Nutty Nigel has a point, don''t you think? Anyway, what I meant to sing was this:

[MUSIC – SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW]

Somewhere over the Barclay
Way up high,
There''s a team that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.

Somewhere over the Barclay
Skies are blue,
and the manager of our club
really has a clue

Someday I''ll wish upon a star
And wake up where Dee-lee-ah''s far
Behind me.
Where we can pick from twenty-two
City players, all tried and true
That''s where you''ll find me.

If happy old Burnley FC
Can find three million quid
Why, oh why can''t we?


[THE STAGE SHAKES VIOLENTLY]

DOROTHY: Toto! Sibierski just fell over again!

TOTO: Ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff!

DOROTHY: You mean... look out – I’m about to be struck by the weight of my own expectations during the transfer window?

[DOROTHY IS STRUCK BY THE WINDOW AND KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS]

DOROTHY: Toto... Toto... where am I? Why look. The road is yellow – and over there - a green city! Where could I be. Could it be... and my shoes! Toto, I have red boots on. Goodness, the farmhouse landed on Lee Croft!

TOTO: Ruff ruff ruff!

DOROTHY: Now that''s not fair. He does have an end product.  Help me get this farmhouse off him.

[OFF STAGE] Och, I wish I had a heart.

DOROTHY:  Did you hear something, Toto?

[OFF STAGE] Och, I wish I had a brain.

TOTO: Grrrrrrr...ruff!

[OFF STAGE] Och, I wish I had some courage.

[OFF STAGE] Och, or at least a first touch.

DOROTHY:  It seems to be coming from over here... [WALKS INTO FOLIAGE]

DOROTHY:  Goodness, Toto!  It''s Mark Fotheringham!

FOTHERINGHAM:  Aye, well, y''know, like, I''m nae playin'' too well right noo.
I were just sayin'', och, where was I?  Hoots!

DOROTHY: Um... are you some kind of Scottish stereotype?

FOTHERINGHAM;  Aye.  Nice red boots.  Gissa try, eh?

DOROTHY: Certainly.

[TAKES OFF BOOTS]

FOTHERINGHAM:  Och, wait a wee minute, lassy.  I''ll be needing two left ones.

[AN ARMY OF MIDGETS CARRYING KEYBOARDS MARCH ONTO THE STAGE]

DOROTHY:  Who are you?  Where are you going?

{MUSIC – OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD]

MIDGETS [sing]
We''re off to see the Wizard
the wizard we greatly admire
for being a miserable crusty troll
is something to which we aspire
if one greater hero than Hucks there was
Then our First Wizard is one because
because, because, because, because, because
oh hang on a minute, we''ve changed our minds...

[KEYBOARD ARMY TURN AROUND AND MARCH BACK, REPLACED BY ARMY OF MIDGETS WITH PITCHFORKS]

We''re off to see the Wizard
the wizard who does our heads in
for when we lose, he yells and boos
but never posts when we win
if ever an internet troll there was
Then First Wizard is one because
flip-flop, flip-flop, flip-flop, flip-flop, flip-flop....
nobody in real life could be so dumb

DOROTHY:  Now that''s not nice.  I''m sure he supports the club just as much as you and I, in his own special and unique way.  Anyway.  We''re off to the Emerald City to visit the Queen.  How do we get there?

MIDGETS:
Follow the yellow brick road!

TOTO: Ruff???

MIDGET: More specifically, head for Morrisons, cross the road, left at the first restaurant, past the hotel, the corporate hospitality suites and the exclusive membership-only bars, take a right at Top of the Terrace and Bob''s your uncle.  Here, you''ll need these corporate passes.

DOROTHY: Excellent!

[MIDGETS MARCH OFF STAGE]

TOTO: Ruff ruff ruff?

DOROTHY: No, Toto, I don''t think it was Ruel Fox.

[GLENN ROEDER APPEARS FROM THE SHADOWS]

GLENN ROEDER: Just a minute, lady.  Fotheringham, what are you doing here?

FOTHERINGHAM:  F**k all, boss, just like always.

ROEDER:  Well, go do it elsewhere.  I need to have a word with this young lady.

DOROTHY:  Mister Roeder, why don’t you sing us a song?

ROEDER: Sorry, I am unable to do that.  I’m a dour and prickly character and cannot do anything which might be described as fun, or anything which might risk making me smile.

DOROTHY: Oh go on.  Go on, go on, go on.  Please?

ROEDER:  Well – I’m not really one for singing.

DOROTHY:  Or signing.

ROEDER:  That’s a cheap shot.  Oh, very well.  Cue the loan orchestra!


(MUSIC - MY FAVOURITE THINGS)

ROEDER (singing in a cockney accent)
Young gifted left backs from Chelsea and Arsenal
Unwanted youth players from Spurs and Newcastle
season-long freebies without any strings,
these are a few of my favorite things.

Loanees from Wigan, and Ghanian movers
Baldy French has-beens and young won’t-improvers,
Reading midfielders who run round in rings,
these are a few of my favorite things.

When the team lose, when the fans sing,
when I''m feeling sad,
I simply remember my days at West Ham
and then I don''t feel so bad.

[ROEDER CRACKS A SMILE AND WINCES]

DOROTHY: That was beautiful!

ROEDER: Yeah.  Problem is, it’s brought on a bit of a headache.

DOROTHY: Oh my goodness.  Anybody… is there a Doc in the house?

GARY DOHERTY: Yes, here I am.

[FOR NO APPARENT REASON, AND DESPITE HIM BEING ONE OF OUR BETTER PLAYERS, THE AUDIENCE PELTS HIM WITH SEASONAL FRUIT]

DOROTHY:  Oh my.

[CURTAIN - END OF ACT ONE]

[Cue MUSIC and several under 10''s doing "keepy ups" in the manner of our half-time ''entertainment'']

IRRITATING ANNOUNCER:  Oooh, you got sixteen there Georgie, good effort.  Let’s hear it for Georgie, everybody!

[TWO PEOPLE CLAP]
[ONE PERSON TUTS]

[“THE CANARIES” PLAYS ON REPEAT UNTIL THE RECORD GETS SCRATCHED, FOLLOWED BY A MINUTE OF AWKWARD SILENCE]

[Coughing]


[CURTAIN RISES FOR ACT TWO]


DOROTHY and TOTO are inside Fortress Carrow Road, wearing ''CORPORATE GUEST'' labels.

DOROTHY: Well, Toto, I''m not sure how we’ve sneaked past the guards and managed to get into the stadium itself, but let''s not dwell on that.  All we have to do now is find the Queen.  I can’t actually remember why, but if nothing else, I suspect we can get some cheap laughs at her expense.

TOTO: Ruff!

DOROTHY:  Oooh, I wonder what’s in here?

[DOROTHY OPENS THE DOOR TO FIND NEIL DONCASTER, IN DARTH VADER MASK AND CAPE, STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF AN OFFICE TALKING ON THE TELEPHONE]

DONCASTER:  Yes, that’s right.  Ten thousand pounds, no problem.  What?  Sorry? That’s per week?  No.  This wrong number.  I Chinese Laundry, how I help you?  What?  Hello?  Football club?  I never heard of it.

[DONCASTER HANGS UP, LAUGHS EVILLY, THEN SEES DOROTHY AND TOTO]

DONCASTER:  Who are you?

DOROTHY: I’m just a fan of the football team, sir.  

DONCASTER: You’re trespassing.

DOROTHY: But how?  You are always saying that, as a fan, I’m the true owner of the club.  

DONCASTER:  Er…. Did I?  Well, you’re not.  She is, and you can’t see her.  She’s sleeping off a corporate lunch.  You must leave before she awakens.  Go. (POINTS TO EXIT)

DOROTHY:  Oh but Mister Doncaster sir… at least give me some advice on how to run a football club?

DONCASTER:  Just one piece of advice… hmmm… that sounds like a cue for a song.

DOROTHY:  Oh gee, doesn’t it just?

DONCASTER:  Well, Dotty, if I were you, this is what I’d do…

[DONCASTER REMOVES DARTH VADER MASK AND CAPE TO REVEAL FRED ASTAIRE-STYLE TUXEDO]

I’d look for….

[MUSIC – THE BEAR NECESSITIES]

DONCASTER:
Look for the fixed securities,
That yield those rich maturities,
Forget about your assets on the pitch,
Look for those streams of revenues
Those obscure off-pitch avenues -
That’s how to make a football league club rich!

[TAP DANCING INTERLUDE IN WHICH DONCASTER CAVORTS WITH SEVERAL WOMEN DRESSED AS FIFTY POUND NOTES]

Wherever I wander, whomever we loan,
Our Holiday Inn, is their second home,
The staff in Yellows all agree
To flip their burgers prudently,
And when you look at ticket allocations
Excited by fixed yield securitisations -
Maybe even try a few -

DOROTHY:
Eww!

DONCASTER:
The fixed securities of life will come to you!
That''s right...
The fixed securities of life will come to you!


DOROTHY:  Sorry, I didn’t understand anything you just said.  

DONCASTER: You’re just a fan.  Don’t worry your pretty little head about it.  By the way, it’s not too late to renew your season ticket.  Here’s a discount voucher for Yellows American Bar and Restaurant™.

[DONCASTER REPLACES DARTH VADER MASK AND CAPE]

DOROTHY: Um… bye.


[DOROTHY CLOSES THE DOOR AND CONTINUES DOWN THE CORRIDOR, STOPPING AT ANOTHER DOOR]

DOROTHY:  This Emerald City’s a strange place.  No wonder people only want to come here on loan.

TOTO: Ruff!

STAGE LEFT: ENTER a swirling fog of cigarette smoke, which parts to reveal ROGER MUNBY looking, as always, utterly chipper.

MUNBY [BEAMING AND SHAKING DOROTHY''S HAND FURIOUSLY]  Ah, THERE you are!  Hello hello hello!  So very good to see you, thanks for coming.

DOROTHY:  (COUGHING) Gosh, thank you.  You seem like a very nice man.

MUNBY:  Indeed I am, very much so - but not nearly as nice as YOU!  You and your supporters are the lifeblood of the club and you''re absolutely fantastic people, a collection of really brilliant individuals.

DOROTHY: Mister Munby?

MUNBY: Yeeesssss?

DOROTHY:  Could you possibly tell me where the money''s gone?

MUNBY: Now let''s not get carried away.  You see, I meet a lot of wonderful supporters like you who deeply deeply deeply care about the club, and it really hurts me when I have to tell them it''s none of their business.

DOROTHY: But I thought you just said we were special and fantastic?

[MUNBY PATS DOROTHY ON HEAD IN PATRONISING MANNER]

MUNBY:  Look, dearie - it''s quite simple.  Maestro, please....

{MUSIC - ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE]

MUNBY:
When people see us losing,
They swear and start abusing,
Forgetting that we''re all one family
So we''ve squandered all the money –
Oh big deal.  Just find it funny!
And learn to look at things a bit like me....

Always look on the bright side of life
(whistles)

DOROTHY
Always look on the bright side of life?

MUNBY:
That’s right!

If you travel Club Canary,
you''re quite extraordinary
Four hundred miles to see us fail to score,
But when we get defeated,
Please don''t boo, and don''t get heated,
Just say "oh well, we nearly scraped a draw"

And....

Always look on the bright side of life!
[CUE MASS AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION OF THE KIND NEVER SEEN IN THE JARROLD STAND]

MUNBY:
And if you''re filled with horror
by players we’ve had to borrow
Some of whom can''t pass or trap a ball,
If these things make you tearful,
Here’s reason to be cheerful -
Be grateful that you have a club at all!

DOROTHY:
Excuse me?

MUNBY:
Er…

Always look on the bright side of life?
(whistles on his own)


DOROTHY:  Mister Munby, I think your pants are on fire.

MUNBY: Crumbs!!

[MUNBY SPRAYS HIMSELF WITH FIRE EXTINGUISHER AND FALLS OVER]


DOROTHY:  So this is it, Toto.  The final door where her Majesty lives.  Should we open it, or take legal advice first?

TOTO:  Ruff ruff ruff!

DOROTHY: Golly Toto, I sure am scared.  You are too, aren''t you?  Oh Toto, not on the club crested carpet.


DOROTHY PUSHES OPEN THE DOOR.


THE QUEEN OF EMERALD CITY STANDS BEFORE DOROTHY, HOLDING A SHINY RED APPLE.  SHE IS TALKING TO THE MATCHDAY SQUAD.


DOROTHY:  Look, Toto, it’s our full contingent of seven official permanent players!  Why, there’s … Doc … and Semmy … and Drury … and Patty …. and Rusty …. and Fozzy… and Banjo!  Yay!


THE PLAYERS [MARCHING ON THE SPOT WITHOUT BREAKING A SWEAT]

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho!
It’s down the league we go,
We are in reverse,
And we’re getting worse,
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho!


THE QUEEN: Who on earth are you?  Get out of here!

BANJO: Don’t worry, your majesty – I’ll take care of this!
[BANJO HOOFS FOOTBALL AT DOROTHY]

AUDIENCE MEMBER SITTING IN THEATRE ROW ZZ:  Ouch!

[DOC WRESTLES BANJO TO THE GROUND AND SITS ON HIM]

BANJO:  Hey!  This isn’t a practice match!

THE QUEEN:  Oh, run along now.  Drury, don’t injure yourself.  Now, who are you, child?  Let''s be, um, naming you!

DOROTHY:  Your majesty... there''s a worm in that apple you''re holding.

MICK DENNIS: How very dare you!

DOROTHY:  Your majesty.  I am just a humble farm girl from Aylsham.

THE QUEEN:  Aylsham.  [WISTFULLY] I once got hammered there.  So why are you here?

DOROTHY:  I''m here because I think we both should leave.

THE QUEEN: Leave?  But what about the glory days?

AUDIENCE: They''re behind you!

DOROTHY:  Your majesty, I am grateful for everything you’ve done for our club.  Believe me, I am.  But the times are changing.  We need more than you can give us.

THE QUEEN: I agree.

DOROTHY:  I’m sorry?

THE QUEEN:  You''re right, child.  I tire of this boardroom.  The weight of expectation.  The feeling of disappointment.  The time has come for change.  I want to get back onto BBC2 and fillet Gordon Ramsay.

[THE QUEEN LOOKS AROUND MOURNFULLY IN POIGNANT SILENCE]

THE QUEEN:  Child, before I depart, may I be permitted one final song?

DOROTHY:  Of course, your majesty.

THE QUEEN:  Many thanks, my child.

[MUSIC - MY WAY]

THE QUEEN:
And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
It''s true, I like a beer,
And love a decent case of bourbon

I’ve held a glass that''s always full
Sampled cider, Liebfraumilch and shandy
And more, much more than this:
Cognac, and brandy

Regrets, I have a few;
But champagne made them less frightening
I did what I had to do
And saw it through, fuelled by White Lightning

I''ve drained each mini bar;
In every boardroom I''ve been merry,
With vodka, babycham
and cooking sherry

Still, to think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
No, oh no not me,
I did it my way.

MICK DENNIS: She did it her way.

THE QUEEN: Oh silence, worm. (Volleys apple neatly into waste basket)

DOROTHY: What a strike, your majesty!

[CAST TAKE TO THE STAGE FOR ONE FINAL SONG]

DOROTHY:  How about we wrap this up with something to encompass everything we’ve learned today on our magical adventure into the rather weird world of Emerald City?

ROGER MUNBY:  A moral?  Why, I''ve got just the thing:

[REPRISE – ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE]

ROGER MUNBY:
Now watching Norwich City
Can make you weep and pity
And curse, and cry, and mope, and swear, and frown
But if you''re miserable, or hateful,
Think of this, and then be grateful:
At least we''re not supporting Ipswich Town...

And...

[ENTIRE AUDIENCE]
Always sh*t  on the old blue and white!
(whistles)

[SINGING CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND]

[TELEPHONE RINGS OVER MUSIC]

WAYNE FROM MULBARTON:  Helloooo Neil!  Neil, I weren''t at the shew today but I thought Huckerby were a bit quiet.

ROY FROM BRANCASTER: Neil, why did they take Fotheringham off at the interval?  He were the only thing holdin'' it together.

BARRY FROM STAITHE: What do they do in rehearsals, Neil?  That''s what I want to know.  What a flamin'' shambles.

[PLAYERS FORM CHORUS LINE AND DANCE CAN-CAN.  SEVERAL PLAYERS GO DOWN INJURED. 
NORWICH CITY’S "FITNESS GURU" RUNS ONTO THE STAGE, WHICH PROMPTLY COLLAPSES.]

Dorothy:  Goodness!


[CURTAIN]


[TWO PEOPLE CLAP]

[Trent Canary 0]

Pure genius.

[jetstream 0]

Top stuff.

[paul ncfc 0]

Brilliant,maybe Archant should pay you a King''s ransom to reproduce this in the Pink''un. 

[Daphne 0]

Gobsmacking genius!!!

[macdougalls perm 0]

Absolutely brilliant! [:D]

Should be performed!!   

[PurpleCanary 5,554]

But for satire to work it has to have some connection to real life. Oh, hold on, though...

Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant.

[FaTTY28uk 0]

Part two just as clever and funny as part one.

[gazzathegreat 0]

No it''s funnier Fatty, hitting home where it hurts. Chops, you are a genius and I want this to be pinned up at the AGM. I would indeed love it acted out at the AGM, or better still as half time entertainment. Every single NCFC fan should read it. It''s simply superb satire.

To the papers Mr Chops, to the papers, to R Norfolk, even an unedited edition in the programme. I might even buy one then.

Absolute class. Thank God there is at least one very classy fan of NCFC. Your humble servants salute you.

[nutty nigel 7,513]

Yes Mister, the whole thing is brilliant and I''m sure it will look better still tomorrow [Y]

[;)]

 

[Diesel Doris 128]

You are an absolute genius Mr Chops!!! Wonderful, Doomcaster as Darth Vader...........perfect.

[Hissing Sid 154]

Outstanding Mr Chops!

[gazzathegreat 0]

I may have been a bit cheeky and posted it on the Official Site, they might not like it! Bets on how long it stays there unedited!!

[Ex-greenoschin 0]

Chops, you didn''t dissapoint with the full version.!!

Here''s an idea, why not get on to Chris Goreham and try and get it staged on " The Scrimmage" as a Xmas Special!!

[:)][:D][:O][Y]

[blinded by the story 0]

Absolute quality........to the stage with you!!

[Yellow Peril 4]

Genius, Pure Genius.

We should print out copies of the songs & hand them round for us all to sing on Matchday.

Better still, forget about the godawful football & put this on at Carrow Road instead. A far better way to entertain the 25,000 crowd.

Congratulations Mr C, the theatre beckons

[......and Smith must score. 1,336]

[quote user="blinded by the story"]Absolute quality........to the stage with you!![/quote]

Just don''t accept an invitation from the Board to a stage at Carrow Road..........it''ll be a spring loaded trapdoor under a dangling rope!

Wonderful, wonderful stuff.

 

[WeAreYellows49 0]

[quote user="BringBackIwan"]

Genius, Pure Genius.

We should print out copies of the songs & hand them round for us all to sing on Matchday.

Better still, forget about the godawful football & put this on at Carrow Road instead. A far better way to entertain the 25,000 crowd.

Congratulations Mr C, the theatre beckons

[/quote]

lol this thread brilliant, good idea about printing out the songs to take along, maybe towards Xmas, the rest of CR would wonder what the hell was being sung [:)]

[Graham Humphrey 13]

Absolutely fantastic, words can''t really do it justice though.

[arrdee 2]

Brilliant, Just brilliant. I have collapsed in a heap, It does appeal to my sense of humour.Brilliant....arrdee.

[Gingerpele 0]

Thats really really good. well done

[lincoln canary (& Golden Coppel) 0]

uncontrolably laughing my arse of in front of stunned work colleagues! thanks for that chops!

top top post

[Tim Allman 1]

Didn’t think you could better the Roeder song about loans, but you have with the Fixed Securities Song. A work of genius.

 

[Berkshire Canary 12]

Fantastic!!! Haven''t laughed that much in ages!!!! [:D] Cheers Mr Chops!!! [B]

[Grim_Sweeper 0]

Well... I thought Toto was excellent in the first half, but was pretty non-existent in the second half... not sure what was said in the dressing room at half time.

Pure genius my friend.

[Katie Borkins 1]

You are quite funny.

Please write one such pantomine for me.

Make it about a brave warrior who is also kind and intelligent and economically literate.

 

[Grim_Sweeper 0]

[quote user="Robert Mugabe"]

You are quite funny.

Please write one such pantomine for me.

Make it about a brave warrior who is also kind and intelligent and economically literate.

 

[/quote]

 

I''ve already lined up Christopher Biggins to play you, Mr Mugabe.

lets hope Fozzy puts in a work rate as high as your rate of inflation tomorrow....

[InLambertWeTrust! 0]

Legendary stuff mr. chops [Y] have 5 gold stars[*][*][*][*][*]

[Shack Attack 0]

Absolute quality Mr Chops. I shall be directing everybody I know to this page so that they can appreciate your work [*]

[Evil Monkey 52]

I''d only heard of this until tonight, finally got 10 minutes to sit and read it and............ brilliant, absolutely brilliant! Particularly liked "Halloooo Neil..."