Karl Minns Column - Evening News!!

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An extract from Karl Mins column in todays Evening News!

City are unhappy with flimsy trophy

Norwich City’s delight at being crowned first division champions was tempered last night, amid claims that the trophy they received is only made of cardboard and foil.

The claims were made at the Stadium of Light by Marc Edworthy, who lifted the trophy, only to have it bend over in the breeze and go all floppy like a bereaved dog.

The trophy was handed to each player in turn, all of whom later complained about the trophy’s flimsy qualities.

Some had bits of foil come off in their hands, others complained about the smell of glue, while Robert Green and Matthias Svensson both claimed to have seen the words “Tampons — handle with care” printed on the cardboard under tinfoil.

At one point the trophy was dropped by Malky Mackay and blew across the pitch in a light breeze, the base bending over and tearing half off.

By the time the press pack had taken their photos, the trophy had lost one of its handles, the top was ripped and the “silver” was being held in place by chewing gum and hair gel.

Ian Gibson, MP for Norwich North, was among those watching. “It folded right over when the lad picked it up. It’s cardboard, total crap; worse than the Japan Cup,” he said.

Suspicions had first been voiced by the Norwich players after the trophy was presented to them by a fan behind the goal, but many of them assumed he’d just won some competition or other. It was only when the players tried to drink champagne out of it in the dressing room that they realised the trophy had no insides. Norwich player of the year Craig Fleming said: “We quickly realised it wasn’t a three-dimensional object, after the third bottle of champagne had dribbled on to the floor.”

City striker Leon McKenzie added: “It’s asymmetrical and, more importantly, has no volume, depth or radius and therefore, under Pythagorean edicts, it can’t really be called a cup.”

However, amid the controversy, City hero Darren Huckerby remained philosophical. “At the end of the day, we expected something a bit less cardboardy, but it’s still ours and it’s going in the trophy cabinet,” he said.

The FA was quick to dismiss Norwich’s claims, claiming the trophy was hand-crafted in solid silver and that any perceived floppiness was due to “City players necking hallucinogenics in bizarre post-match sex rituals”.

Joint majority shareholder Delia Smith defended her players’ claims. “It does look a bit like something a child of 10 would knock up on a wet Sunday afternoon,” she said. “But then the World Cup looks like a big gold willy, doesn’t it?”

The players’ disappointment was further increased when their gold championship medals appeared to be chocolate pirate coins with a ribbon stapled to them.

“It’s just not on,” said City manager Nigel Worthington. “Everyone’s grafted so hard this season and they deserve more than a poxy Blue Peter project.”

When asked where his medal was, Worthington sheepishly admitted he’d eaten it, but not to tell Delia, as it would spoil his tea.

Claims that Roy Waller was seen entering Cash Converters with the real trophy and leaving 10 minutes later with £50 and a sock tidy were still being investigated last night.

This latest controversy comes less than eight months after it was revealed that Norwich’s Milk Cup trophy was made out of a bra and a hat-stand covered with those little steel balls you get on birthday cakes and stuff.