How about a joke..

[Father Ted Macdougall 0]

Englishman''s wife steps up to the first tee and, as she bends over to
> place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack
> of underwear.
>
> "Good God, woman! Why aren''t you wearing any knickers?" her husband
> demanded. "Well, you don''t give me enough housekeeping money to afford
> any,"she replied. The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket
> and says, "For the sake of decency, here''s 50. Go and buy yourself some
> underwear."
>
> Next, the Irishman''s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her
> skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
>
> "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You''ve no knickers. Why not?" She replies,
> "I can''t afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his
> pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here''s 20. Go and buy
> yourself some underwear!"
>
> Lastly, the Scotsman''s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
> over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
>
> "Sweet Mudder, Maggie! Where the fook are yer drawers?" She too
> explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."
> The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says "Well, fer the sake of
> decency, here''s a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

[Evil Monkey 52]

There''s this chap, and he''s a massive fan of tractors, and I mean

massive! He has posters of various John Dere pin-ups on his wall, he

attends all the tractor conventions and spends his days on the internet

chatting to other fans of tractors on various forums (sound familiar?

[:S]). He bloody loves them!

Anyway, after years of searching this young man manages to get himself

a girlfriend.  No, this isn''t the punchline, for at first she

found his tractor obsession quite endearing.  But it didn''t last

for long.  She found herself being marginalised by the chap''s

other love - stood up on dates whilst he goes to a tractor meeting,

left alone and naked on the bed as he sits at his computer. So one day

she decides to take action and declares "it''s the tractors or me!"

The man deliberates on this - he really does love tractors, but is it

worth throwing away the love of the most beautiful woman he''s ever met?

Eventually, he decides no and agrees that his tractor obsession must

come to an end.  He takes down all the posters from his wall, he

withdraws from the various forums and he cancels his subscriptions to

the various newsletters.  From that day forth, he was tractor free.

A few months later (and before the smoking ban, natch) he and his

beautiful girlfriend are sitting in a pub enjoying a quiet pint. 

Unfortunately, there''s a lot of smokers in there at the time and it

begins to play on his lady''s asthma.  Coughing, she says: "I wish

someone could do something about all this bloody smoke!"

The man nods quietly, stands and says simply: "Leave it to me, honey."

Standing in the middle of the room, he takes in one huge breath and

sucks all of the smoke in the pub into his mouth. Holding it in, he

then steps outside into the fresh air, and exhales the smoke away,

before returning to his astounded girlfriend.

"Wow," she gushes.  "How did you do that?"

"Because," he says.  "I''m an ex-tractor fan."

BOOM BOOM!

I''ll get me coat.... [:$]

[Sing up the Jarrold 0]

THE HOFF

1. David Hasselhoff is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

2. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures David Hasselhoff allows to live.

3. When David Hasselhoff drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.

4. When David Hasselhoff was born, the nurse said, "Holy Cow, That''s David Hasselhoff!" Then she had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

5. When David Hasselhoff goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

6. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects David Hasselhoff could use to kill you, including the room itself.

7. The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from David Hasselhoff and forgot to pay him back.

8. David Hasselhoff can count backwards from infinity.

9. Crop circles are David''s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f**k down.

10. When David Hasselhoff jumps into a body of water, he doesn''t get wet. The water gets David instead.

11. David Hasselhoff can divide by zero.

12. In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by David Hasselhoff,and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has evercome to matching him.

13. David Hasselhoff is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose''s s**t.

14. David Hasselhoff has two speeds: walk and kill.

15. David Hasselhoff is the reason why Wally is hiding.

16. David Hasselhoff can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

17. You are what you eat. That is why David Hasselhoff diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

18. David Hasselhoff once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

19. David Hasselhoff played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

20. If you were to lock David Hasselhoff in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy''s. When asked why he doesn''t do this David replied "Because Grammy''s are for losers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

21. On his birthday, David Hasselhoff randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

22. When David Hasselhoff does a pushup, he isn''t lifting himself up, he''s pushing the Earth down.

23. Whenever David Hasselhoff puts out a cigarette, he throws it in slow motion into a long line of gasoline and calmly walks away as an inferno erupts behind him.

24. David Hasselhoff invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

25. David Hasselhoff coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

26. David Hasselhoff haunts Freddy Krueger''s nightmares.

27. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when David Hasselhoff punched himself in the face.

[3canaries 0]

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria.

____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

____________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ''crocodile?''

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L''

TEACHER: No, that''s wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

____________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it''s H to O.

____________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn''t have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

____________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I''m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

____________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ''I.''

MILLIE: I is.......

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, ''I am.''

MILLIE: All right... ''I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.''

___________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don''t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

___________________________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ''My Dog'' is exactly the same as your brother''s. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It''s the same dog.

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

[Albyella 0]

We always hear '' the rules ''
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

Men are NOT mind readers.

Learn to work the toilet seat.
You''re a big girl. If it''s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don''t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Sunday sports It''s like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That''s
what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


If you think you''re fat, you probably are.
Don''t ask us.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials..

Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

If we ask what is wrong and you say ''nothing,'' We will act like
nothing''s wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don''t want an answer to, Expect an answer
you don''t want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...
Really .

Don''t ask us what we''re thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as football
or cars.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

I am in shape - Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don''t mind that? It''s like camping.

[missing in action? 0]

[quote user="wycombe canary"]We always hear '' the rules ''From the female side.Now here are the rules from the male side.Men are NOT mind readers.Learn to work the toilet seat.You''re a big girl. If it''s up, put it down.We need it up, you need it down.You don''t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.Sunday sports It''s like the full moonor the changing of the tides.Let it be.Crying is blackmail.Ask for what you want.Let us be clear on this one:Subtle hints do not work!Strong hints do not work!Obvious hints do not work!Just say it!Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That''swhat we do.Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

If you think you''re fat, you probably are.Don''t ask us.If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the waysmakes you sad or angry, we meant the other oneYou can either ask us to do somethingOr tell us how you want it done.Not both.If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say duringcommercials..Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.We have no idea what mauve is.If it itches, it will be scratched.We do that.If we ask what is wrong and you say ''nothing,'' We will act likenothing''s wrong.We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.If you ask a question you don''t want an answer to, Expect an answeryou don''t want to hear.When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really .Don''t ask us what we''re thinking about unless you are prepared todiscuss such topics as footballor cars.You have enough clothes.You have too many shoes.I am in shape - Round IS a shape!Thank you for reading this.Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don''t mind that? It''s like camping.[/quote]that is the best thing in the world ever.

[Nuff Said 5,089]

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn''t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of darkness?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it''s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If it''s true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

Do you cry under water?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I''ll squeeze

these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I''m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it''s bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don''t point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They''re both dogs!

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on . . . . . . . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog''s face, he gets mad at

you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

[Son Ova Gunn 165]

many years ago a young boy named wiz walked into the kitchen and said to his dad  ''daddy, did you know granny has a prawn?''

'''' im sorry wiz, you must be mistaken'' said the dad. The little boy protested, ''she has she has'' so the dad said ok son show me

little wiz walked his dad to the bedroom where ganny slept, pulled back the covers and pointed, ''look dad see i told you!''

''No dear boy, thats your ganny''s clitoris wiz''

crestfallen little wiz lowers his head and says

'' well it tasted like a prawn''

 

 

 

*tumble weed blows by and large black hole swallows son ova gunn*

[First Wazzock 902]

WOMEN ARE LIKE FOOTBALL PITCHES

1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.

2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.

3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends.

4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.

5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.

6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.

7. Don''t ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never

mention pitches previously visited.

8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.

9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner.

10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.

11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.

12. Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel.

Conversely, DO NOT expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the goal mouth and score. That can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground.

13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.

14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.

15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.

16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.

17. French grounds are frequently very nice to look at, however there can sometimes be an awful smell from the terraces which don''t get hosed down as often as they should.

18. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.

19. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.

20. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week.

21. Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if you p*ss the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead.

22. Players will have to agree personal terms with the club, before being allowed to play on the turf.

23. Don''t forget that if you use your hands in the area you may be

penalised.

24. As the spot can be very indistinct on some pitches you may need to ask the pitch owner to help you locate it. It is a good idea to re-mark it in white each time you play.

25. If there is a strong wind you need to be careful which end you choose.

26. Use your subs wisely so that you have a hard man on for the climax of the game. You shouldn''t bring him off too soon.

27. It is best not to admit to having played on a plastic pitch.

 

[Captain Holt 520]

[quote user="1st Wazzock"]

WOMEN ARE LIKE FOOTBALL PITCHES

1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.

2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.

3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends.

4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.

5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.

6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.

7. Don''t ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never

mention pitches previously visited.

8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.

9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner.

10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.

11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.

12. Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel.

Conversely, DO NOT expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the goal mouth and score. That can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground.

13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.

14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.

15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.

16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.

17. French grounds are frequently very nice to look at, however there can sometimes be an awful smell from the terraces which don''t get hosed down as often as they should.

18. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.

19. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.

20. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week.

21. Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if you p*ss the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead.

22. Players will have to agree personal terms with the club, before being allowed to play on the turf.

23. Don''t forget that if you use your hands in the area you may be

penalised.

24. As the spot can be very indistinct on some pitches you may need to ask the pitch owner to help you locate it. It is a good idea to re-mark it in white each time you play.

25. If there is a strong wind you need to be careful which end you choose.

26. Use your subs wisely so that you have a hard man on for the climax of the game. You shouldn''t bring him off too soon.

27. It is best not to admit to having played on a plastic pitch.

 

[/quote]Can I borrow anyone''s maginfying glass?

[Robsta 0]

Its just been on Sky Sports News that police have found a large bomb outside Portman Road.

 

They said not to panic as they''ve managed to push it back into the dressing room!

[First Wazzock 902]

A very wealthy friend of mine was test driving a brand new Mercedes last week and invited me along, and of course I couldn''t refuse!

While my friend was behind the wheel the guy from the dealership was saying that it had a voice activated radio. He said to me (as my mate was driving) what style of music do you like? he then added say it loudly so the radio can react. Reggae I said loudly, click went the radio and on came Jammin'' by Bob Marley. We were amazed.

Have another go said the guy, Sixties Rock I shouted, click went the radio and on came Let''s Spend The Night Togther by the Rolling Stones. Amazing.

At that point some you lad driving a BMW pulled out in front of my mate and he shouted W****r.

Click went the radio, "Hi this is Jim Magilton and you are listening to football on Radio Suffolk".

[InLambertWeTrust! 0]

[quote user="Son Ova Gunn"]

many years ago a young boy named wiz walked into the kitchen and said to his dad  ''daddy, did you know granny has a prawn?''

'''' im sorry wiz, you must be mistaken'' said the dad. The little boy protested, ''she has she has'' so the dad said ok son show me

little wiz walked his dad to the bedroom where ganny slept, pulled back the covers and pointed, ''look dad see i told you!''

''No dear boy, thats your ganny''s clitoris wiz''

crestfallen little wiz lowers his head and says

'' well it tasted like a prawn''

 

 

 

*tumble weed blows by and large black hole swallows son ova gunn*

[/quote]

[+o(] that was horrible

[Albyella 0]

Short version.....

Superman & Batman talking in a bar.

Batman: "What you been up to?"

Superman: "Strange thing last night"

Batman: "Tell me"

Superman: "Well, I was cruising around the rooftops, went past Superwoman''s window and there she was, naked on her bed, eyes closed and writhing around obviously enjoying herself"

Batman: "And.....?"

Superman: "Couldn''t help myself - reversed up a bit, dropped my "Y" fronts and flew straight in on top of her"

Batman: " Bloody hell.....I bet she was shocked!!!"

Superman: "Yep, but not as much as the invisible man......."

[sam 0]

99% of women kiss with thier eyes closed, which is why it''s so difficult to identify a rapist.

[Hoolahans Ped 0]

Why did the chicken cross the road???

 

 

To get to the other side!!!

LOL. what a classic

[First Wazzock 902]

[quote user="CanaryKid2k8"]

Why did the chicken cross the road???

 

 

To get to the other side!!!

LOL. what a classic

[/quote]

Why did the American chicken cross the road?

 

To invade the other side [:D]

[Robsta 0]

[quote user="1st Wazzock"][quote user="CanaryKid2k8"]

Why did the chicken cross the road???

 

 

To get to the other side!!!

LOL. what a classic

[/quote]

Why did the American chicken cross the road?

 

To invade the other side [:D]

[/quote]

Or more approprately....Cos they blew their side to pieces!!!!! whoops!

[ca 1]

People thought we were going to sign Ameobi who''s on £20k pw, thats the only joke I can think of at the moment. [:)]

[First Wazzock 902]

[quote user="cityangel"]People thought we were going to sign Ameobi who''s on £20k pw, thats the only joke I can think of at the moment. [:)][/quote]

Thats good CA  [:D]

 

Why did the elephant cross the road?

 He was stapled to the chicken [:D]

[Shiner 0]

What''s hit more balls than Beckham''s right foot?

 

 

 

...Elton John''s chin

[Lappin = Ronaldinho 0]

itfc

[Show Me What You Gooot! 0]

A man walks up to a sandwich seller and asks: "How much are you''re sandwiches?"

The man behind the counter replies: "They''re two for £1"

So the man asks: "How much is it for one?"

To which the seller replies: "75 pence"

The man pauses for a moment and then says: "In that case I''ll have the other one"

[Syteanric 1]

2 from Tommy Cooper...

*Adopts Gruff West country voice*

"I phoned the local swimming pool yesterday, i said ''hello is that the local swimming pool?'' they replied ''It depends where your calling from''"

"was out walking the dog last night, stopped a chap coming the other way and said ''scuse me, is that the moon or mars?''  he said ''Sorry im not from round here''"

Juslikethat!

 

jas :)

[McCanary 0]

How much does an Essex girl pay for a hairdo?

 

 

 

 

Panten[:D]

[McCanary 0]

A 95 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for analysisi at the hospital.

He turns up 2 days later with an empty jar.

 

Nurse asks " why no sample?"

Reply, " Sorry....I tried with my right hand and then with my left, then my wife tried with both hands , then with her mouth - first with her teeth in and then with them out. Then we got Ethel from next door to try......but it was no good............

..............

 

 

 

 

we just could not get the lid off the jar" ................[:''(]

[McCanary 0]

I`ve just been offered 8 venison legs for 30  quid..................................

 

..................is that too dear!!!!

 

 

 

I`ll get me coat...................