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Turf- the hidden agenda

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Another thread argues that the sprucing up of the turf is pointless. I disagree.

It is actually the start of a horticultural revolution and a new phase initiated by our greart Board to increase the appeal of Carrow Road as a family destination. I have it on good authority (from the man down the chippy) that becuase of the manager''s preferred playing style, the centre section is in fact going to be converted into a Japanese maple garden. The gravel will be arriving over the summer and Delia will be using ideas pinched from this week''s Chelsea flower show to introduce rivulets and a sprinkling of bonsai trees. Three solid wood benches made from aged mahogany and a small concrete pagoda  will form the centrepiece. Good quality turf is needed to set off the dramatic style of the new showpiece.

In addition to attracting butterflies and visitors, the purpose is to introduce a "calm" area where players can go to to relax during the game while their colleaguse ping balls over their heads. It is also hoped that opposition players will be put into a state of trance creating more space for Darren Huckerby to control the ball once it has arrowed in on him covered in icicles, Craig Fleming and Gary Doherty were apparently road tesing this semi-catatonic state when we got promoted so that Nigel could see what would happen in a live situation.

He also tells me that the idea was first mooted by Damien Francis. Unfairly criticised for going wandering off during games and not being seen near the ball until the 75th minute, he was in fact on a scouting mission surveying the lie of the land and looking for ideas as to how the design might appear. Damien is allegedly, in his spare time, a landscape gardener and is believed to be studying the Capability Brown style but his original idea of planting long lines of oak trees down each touchline was vetoed by Health and Saftey officials because of acorns dropping in the autumn.

Just remember- when the club recruits a gravel raker (is that what Andy Hughes is for perhaps?) that you heard it here on the pink''n board first.

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