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Rudolph Hucker


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I bumped into Nigel Worthington in Primark last Wednesday. I know he is entitled to his own free time and not be harassed but after all that has happened with this lousy season I just couldn''t help myself approaching him as he was browsing at the white, ankle length, 2% elastine sock display.

I told him what I thought of his signings, his hoofball tactics and his attitude towards the supporters. He listened and when I had finished just said to me, before walking off to the counter with a three pack (assorted), ''You don''t know Jack Schitt!''

I was quite taken aback and before I could stop myself I asked him to say that to me again. ''You don''t know Jack Schitt!'' He said, and disappeared.

Now, I have been told a few home truths in my time, some of which I have had to accept. But telling me I don''t know Jack Schitt is simply untrue. This American family are friends of mine.

Jack is infact the only son of Awe Schitt and O.Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate married O.Schitt who is a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt Inc.

Later, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt after a shared deep interest in religon which sustained their marriage. They produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt who was permanently excluded from school by the age of ten.

After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock and because she had custody and residence of the children wanted to keep her previous name. She became known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son with a nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseperable throughout childhood and later married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the local newspaper proclaimed the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt the prodigal son left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.

So, Worthy. Mate! Before you go telling me I don''t know Jack Schitt let me tell you: not only do I know Jack I also know his whole family.

(Apologies to those who have seen this before but I thought it might lighten the mood).

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