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Coronavirus Joke Thread.

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4 minutes ago, First Wazzock said:

If anyone knocks at your door and says they need to stick their fingers up your @rse to test for Coronavirus it's a scam.

 

I feel so bloody stupid now...

Were they frozen fish fingers?......

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image.jpeg.4a8fc81537bbbd2d7e41c4b3a5fe36b9.jpeg
"Spending a couple of weeks in isolation with the family....What could possibly go wrong?"....
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We can't get hold of toilet rolls thanks to the panic buying so we've been using Lettuce leaves. It's just the tip of the iceberg. 

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Posted (edited)

There was a personal ad in the local paper. A bloke with loads of toilet rolls was wanting to meet a nice woman with lots of hand sanitiser. He was looking for some good clean fun.

Edited by sonyc

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The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

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The worst part of self-isolation? Lying in bed at night and listening to the family hammering on the front door. 

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Posted (edited)
Heard a Doctor on TV say "to get through the boredom of self isolation, we should finish things we start and thus have more calm in our lives"......

So I looked through the house to find all the things I've started but hadn't finished...so I've finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, han a borx a chocletz. Yu haf no idr haw feckin fablus I feelz rite now. sew Sned thiz to all who kneed inner p!ss.

An telum u luvum.-- yez awl me bez fuggin budheez.....
Edited by Mello Yello
spelling
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** Be aware **

We ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place (I won't name them) just got it home placed it on kitchen work top and as I was getting plates , I heard the bags rustling and moving!! I thought what the hell is that. Has something got in the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me. I was so scared as bag was moving around I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the floor broom in one hand and there it was again, more rustling ...and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers, I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...
And there it was ...

... A Peeking Duck!!!

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My kid developed a temperature.

Rang 111 and they said to isolate him.

Breaks my heart and I hope he's alright in that cupboard but rules are rules

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Prince Charles is isolating at Balmoral with Covid-19

Prince Andrew is isolating at Windsor with Jennifer-14

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Prince Charles isolating at home with Covid-19.

Prince Andrew isolating at home with Virginia-16

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if Police now have powers to break up groups can they please start with Coldplay ?

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Today i have been out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor. So far it was been seven owls and fifteen jays.

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My neighbour was taken into hospital last night with coronavirus. He was put on one of those new Dyson ventilators and i heard this morning that he is picking up nicely.

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A young female English teacher is giving 'home schooling' lessons via a multi video link to a group of unfortunate isolating housebound kids.....The teacher being topical, asks the first pupil over the video-link...."Ok Claire, I'd like you to give me a sentence with the word 'contagious' in it?.....

Young Claire pauses for a moment, then says "Miss I overheard Dad talking to Mum in the kitchen this morning, and Dad said to Mum"....."Hey honey, our neighbour's painting the outside walls of his house using a bleedin' two inch brush, it'll take the contagious"...... 

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Self isolate like your Luke Chambers - Ipswich’s captain fantastic hasn’t got within 2m of an opposition striker in the last 3 seasons

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I sat in my garden last night singing ' if you all hate 1p5wich clap your hands ' and the next thing the whole country joined in.

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