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The official Loo Roll thread

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4 minutes ago, keelansgrandad said:

I just sent a Labrador puppy off to you with one. Hope there's enough left when  it reaches you.

if not Labrador puppies fur is quite absorbant

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14 minutes ago, Capt. Pants said:

The East Anglian Daily Times back page is a good substitute.

The Green 'Un

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Posted (edited)

The streets are filled with crazed people suffering from toilet paper withdrawal and the well off lording it in their paper machete Instagramable poses. Fights are breaking out and I've been propositioned by several street creatures should I have a roll of andrex for them

Edited by KiwiScot

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What's with this bog roll nonsense? I use about 4 a year.

It's one of the reason's I'm so green ... the mould you understand ...

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34 minutes ago, keelansgrandad said:

I just sent a Labrador puppy off to you with one. Hope there's enough left when  it reaches you.

Oh God. Another Labrador 🙁

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Use a sponge.

eg Tesco car wash sponge cut in half. Wash out each wipe.

Washes out totally.

Wash your hands afterwards as usual.

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Newspapers were commonly used, there are many around now that would be improved by the use.

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On 15/03/2020 at 09:32, Mello Yello said:

Ssh.....I'm using my good lady's favourite flannel.....

That's a good point actually, why don't we have reusable loo rolls? We have reusable nappies, in the past people just used to wash the Terry cloth for babies but never for the adults on the bog...

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Who is bog roll king of this message board, (from the Daily Mash)? 🤣

I am the bog roll king

by Nathan Muir of Hitchin, Hertfordshire

I AM king of the bog roll. I sit on a throne built from 24-packs of only the softest, most absorbant loo paper. None may challenge my reign.

You panic-bought this weekend? Oh, my child. I have been buying up stocks for weeks. I have more toilet roll than anyone in a 15-mile radius, including small shops. It will never run out.

You’ve filled your garage with it? Ah, your naivety makes me chuckle. You remind me of myself, six weeks ago. I have filled my whole house.

I no longer have a bed. I sleep on bog roll. I eat at a bog roll table. I lounge on a supremely comfortable bog roll sofa. Every room in my house is piled to the ceiling with sweet, wonderful bog roll.

Soon, society will collapse. Banknotes won’t be worth, if you’ll pardon my joke, wiping your bum on. There will be only one source of wealth, only one currency. And I have cornered the market.

They will come to me, the former great and good, laid low by their own foulage. They will give me diamonds, titles, positions of great power in return for a single roll of Andrex Skin Kind with aloe vera and chamomile. I will take all as my due.

I am the bog roll king. I am the emperor of the sh*thouse. All hail me.

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8 hours ago, Uncle Fred said:

Things are getting serious 

5046A2E8-4394-4F8D-8308-18C4F07B849A.jpeg

Why did your dungarees thread disappear  Fredo?

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On 14/03/2020 at 19:30, Capt. Pants said:

The East Anglian Daily Times back page is a good substitute.

 

On 14/03/2020 at 19:45, sonyc said:

The Green 'Un

Or The Brown 'Un, as the case may be! :classic_rolleyes:

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We can all learn from history. Surely, there is enough choice here to keep everyone happy and healthy down below? After experimenting with seashells, stone and sand, good old scratchy Izal toilet paper would  seem like luxury. Trust Henry VIII to take things to the extreme. 
Medieval toilet paper (from Wiki)
Before the advent of modern toilet paper many different materials were used for the same purposes. Different materials were used depending upon the country, weather conditions, social customs and status. People used leaves, grass, ferns, corn cobs, maize, fruit skins, seashells, stone, sand, moss, snow and water.
 

Surely one of the most repulsive jobs in history, the ‘Groom of the King’s Close Stool’ (or just Groom of the Stool for short) was a role created during the reign of Henry VIII to monitor and assist in the King’s bowel motions.

The word ‘Stool’ was in reference to a portable commode which would have been carried around at all times, along with water, towels and a wash bowl. To ensure he was carrying out his job at peak efficiency, the Groom of the Stool would also have closely monitored the king’s diet and mealtimes, and would have organised his day around the king’s predicted motions.

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