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KiwiScot

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I read a book about Stockholm syndrome recently. I didn't like it at first, but by the end I loved it

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My dad used to be a magician and his favourite trick was sawing people in half. I have a half brother and a half sister.

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Sean Connery's agent gives him a call. 

"Sean, I have a job for you. A few months work but a lot of money. They want you to play the King of the Elves in a new Lord of the Rings TV franchise. Only one thing though, you'll have to learn some Elvish." 

"Some Elvish?? But I can't shing." 

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How may clickbait articles does it take to change a light bulb? 

The answer will shock you!

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Scientifically a Raven has 17 primary wing feathers called 'pinion feathers', these are the large feathers at the end of each wing.

A Crow has only 16 of these feathers so the difference between a Raven and a Crow is only a matter of opinion.

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3 hours ago, KiwiScot said:

A Little old lady who?

I never knew you could yodel.

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A white horse trotted into the Fur & Feather in Woodbastwick and asked for a pint of Nelson's Bitter --- The landlord said "We have a whisky named after you" --- The horse replied "What, Eric?"

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I popped around to my Mum & Dad's the other day, I saw my Dad slumped over the lawnmower sobbing, I asked Mother what was wrong?

She said. "Don't worry, he's just going through a rough patch."

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NEWSFLASH

An elderly lady has been arrested for walking past the constituency office of Labour MP, Jess Phillips, while provocatively sucking on a humbug -- Her handbag was searched and a large quantity of the offensive objects were found.

Police have raided her home and have taken away her computer to see if she has any affiliation to far-right sweet shop proprietors.

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34 minutes ago, Jools said:

NEWSFLASH

An elderly lady has been arrested for walking past the constituency office of Labour MP, Jess Phillips, while provocatively sucking on a humbug -- Her handbag was searched and a large quantity of the offensive objects were found.

Police have raided her home and have taken away her computer to see if she has any affiliation to far-right sweet shop proprietors.

Wrong thread.

 

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Nigel F. keeps walking past happy builders on the two building sites in his street and realises they are mostly Irish. He's a little depressed because of his lazy well paid life in Europe, so he sees his doctor and says' I would like to be as happy as the Irish doc, can you elp me.

his doctor says' well it is a complicated and dangerous operation, we have to take one third of your brain out but you will be as happy as the Irish. Nigel goes away to collect his German passport and think about it. next day he walks past the laughing and smiling builders again, there and then he decides to go ahead with the private operation.

On waking up from it his mind and eyesight are blurred, but he can just make out three worried looking doctors and two nurses. One of them says 'can you hear me Nigel?' and he say '.yeah' . ' we are ever so sorry but the junior doctor from Saudi Arabia, who carried out the operation, was fresh from his years of education and training accidentally took 2/3 of your brain matter out.

 

to which Nigel answers smiling ' Ach das macht doch nichts, bring meine Frau herein und gib mir ein Liter Bier'.

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"I had a famous Spanish actor in my pub last night. Drunk as a lord, knocking things over. A proper nuisance."

"Javier Bardem?"

"Nah, he can get back in when he sobers up."

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A ship rescues a chap stranded on a desert island.

The Captain of the ship notices three huts. He asks the Castaway what they are.

"That one there is my house" says the Castaway pointing to the one in the middle.

"And that one?" asks the Captain pointing to the one on the right.

"That is my Church" replies the Castaway.

"What is the one on the left" inquires the Captain.

"Ah, that was the Church I used to belong to" smiles the Castaway.

 

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