KiwiScot 1,418 Posted September 18, 2019 I read a book about Stockholm syndrome recently. I didn't like it at first, but by the end I loved it Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TIL 1010 4,655 Posted September 18, 2019 My dad used to be a magician and his favourite trick was sawing people in half. I have a half brother and a half sister. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Herman 9,582 Posted September 18, 2019 Sean Connery's agent gives him a call. "Sean, I have a job for you. A few months work but a lot of money. They want you to play the King of the Elves in a new Lord of the Rings TV franchise. Only one thing though, you'll have to learn some Elvish." "Some Elvish?? But I can't shing." 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Herman 9,582 Posted September 18, 2019 How may clickbait articles does it take to change a light bulb? The answer will shock you! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
KiwiScot 1,418 Posted September 18, 2019 3 hours ago, Jools said: Knock knock.. Who is there. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jools 584 Posted September 25, 2019 On 18/09/2019 at 21:45, KiwiScot said: Who is there. A little old lady... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TCCANARY 263 Posted September 25, 2019 Is it the little old lady that Johnson sent JRM to lie to? 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SwindonCanary 455 Posted September 25, 2019 Knock, knock! - Who’s there? - Cook. - Cook who? - YA, OWL ABOUT THAT ! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
KiwiScot 1,418 Posted September 25, 2019 8 hours ago, Jools said: A little old lady... A Little old lady who? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FenwayFrank 2,423 Posted September 25, 2019 Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever it is, I hope they’re happy 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mello Yello 2,265 Posted September 25, 2019 Scientifically a Raven has 17 primary wing feathers called 'pinion feathers', these are the large feathers at the end of each wing. A Crow has only 16 of these feathers so the difference between a Raven and a Crow is only a matter of opinion. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jools 584 Posted September 25, 2019 3 hours ago, KiwiScot said: A Little old lady who? I never knew you could yodel. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
A Load of Squit 5,066 Posted September 25, 2019 1 hour ago, Jools said: I never knew you could yodel. You're much funnier when you do politics. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
keelansgrandad 6,679 Posted September 25, 2019 (edited) I was going to tell a joke about Deja Vu but I think I may have told it before. Edited September 25, 2019 by keelansgrandad Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
keelansgrandad 6,679 Posted September 25, 2019 The barman said "We don't serve time travelers in here". A time traveler walks into a bar. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jools 584 Posted September 26, 2019 A white horse trotted into the Fur & Feather in Woodbastwick and asked for a pint of Nelson's Bitter --- The landlord said "We have a whisky named after you" --- The horse replied "What, Eric?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Daz Sparks 1,119 Posted September 26, 2019 I popped around to my Mum & Dad's the other day, I saw my Dad slumped over the lawnmower sobbing, I asked Mother what was wrong? She said. "Don't worry, he's just going through a rough patch." 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jools 584 Posted September 26, 2019 UK Parliament - Sponsored by PAXO! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
keelansgrandad 6,679 Posted September 26, 2019 Statistically speaking, the average human being has one testicle and one breast Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jools 584 Posted September 27, 2019 NEWSFLASH An elderly lady has been arrested for walking past the constituency office of Labour MP, Jess Phillips, while provocatively sucking on a humbug -- Her handbag was searched and a large quantity of the offensive objects were found. Police have raided her home and have taken away her computer to see if she has any affiliation to far-right sweet shop proprietors. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TCCANARY 263 Posted September 27, 2019 34 minutes ago, Jools said: NEWSFLASH An elderly lady has been arrested for walking past the constituency office of Labour MP, Jess Phillips, while provocatively sucking on a humbug -- Her handbag was searched and a large quantity of the offensive objects were found. Police have raided her home and have taken away her computer to see if she has any affiliation to far-right sweet shop proprietors. Wrong thread. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
KiwiScot 1,418 Posted October 2, 2019 What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it. We’re closed. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nevermind, neoliberalism has had it 159 Posted October 3, 2019 Nigel F. keeps walking past happy builders on the two building sites in his street and realises they are mostly Irish. He's a little depressed because of his lazy well paid life in Europe, so he sees his doctor and says' I would like to be as happy as the Irish doc, can you elp me. his doctor says' well it is a complicated and dangerous operation, we have to take one third of your brain out but you will be as happy as the Irish. Nigel goes away to collect his German passport and think about it. next day he walks past the laughing and smiling builders again, there and then he decides to go ahead with the private operation. On waking up from it his mind and eyesight are blurred, but he can just make out three worried looking doctors and two nurses. One of them says 'can you hear me Nigel?' and he say '.yeah' . ' we are ever so sorry but the junior doctor from Saudi Arabia, who carried out the operation, was fresh from his years of education and training accidentally took 2/3 of your brain matter out. to which Nigel answers smiling ' Ach das macht doch nichts, bring meine Frau herein und gib mir ein Liter Bier'. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nevermind, neoliberalism has had it 159 Posted October 3, 2019 BTW. Eatons Origame Club which was very popular with the middle classes, has folded. No need to get all creased up about it though. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wcorkcanary 4,314 Posted October 8, 2019 On 27/09/2019 at 10:23, TCCANARY said: Wrong thread. Just wrong.full stop. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Herman 9,582 Posted October 9, 2019 "I had a famous Spanish actor in my pub last night. Drunk as a lord, knocking things over. A proper nuisance." "Javier Bardem?" "Nah, he can get back in when he sobers up." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Herman 9,582 Posted October 13, 2019 Why did Pavlov's dog have such soft hair? Because it was conditioned. 🥁😳 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
keelansgrandad 6,679 Posted October 13, 2019 A ship rescues a chap stranded on a desert island. The Captain of the ship notices three huts. He asks the Castaway what they are. "That one there is my house" says the Castaway pointing to the one in the middle. "And that one?" asks the Captain pointing to the one on the right. "That is my Church" replies the Castaway. "What is the one on the left" inquires the Captain. "Ah, that was the Church I used to belong to" smiles the Castaway. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Rock The Boat 1,290 Posted October 15, 2019 On 25/09/2019 at 18:03, FenwayFrank said: Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever it is, I hope they’re happy I think it was Hoolahan Solo Share this post Link to post Share on other sites