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First Wazzock

It's Snowflake Friday...

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Subject: THE SQUIRREL & THE GRASSHOPPER

 

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The
Grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering
grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END


THE ENGLISH VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks
he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come Winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. A social worker finds
the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.
The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper;
with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with
a table laden with food.
The English press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a
country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so
while others have plenty.
The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of England demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. Diane Abbott rants in an interview with Andrew Marr that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter London city centre.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the
Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrels' taxes are reassessed. He is
taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders, for
the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.
The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to
furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and redistributed to the more
needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly
imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start
building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to England as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of English apparent love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking
and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.
Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned
because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats
devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.
A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the
squirrels' food, though Spring is still months away, while the council
house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to
maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug "Illness".
The cats seek recompense in the English courts for their treatment
since arrival in the UK.
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary
to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released
immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery. A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost 10 million pounds is set up.
Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is
increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for
enriching England's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by
the government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the
press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root
causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were
infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in England.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing,
the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their
credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law
and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because
of a shortfall in government funds.

 

THE END (subject to inheritance tax and property revaluation for the squirrel)

 

Edited by First Wazzock
  • Like 3
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47 minutes ago, Badger said:

Find it hard to believe that the OP thought that it was worth typing.

Good to see the personality bypass is working so well

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32 minutes ago, First Wazzock said:

Good to see the personality bypass is working so well

?

Sorry if this is dazzlingly witty and I failed to spot it. It just seemed a little purile to me. Obviously I lack your intellect and drollery. I'm  sure that everybody else will be struggling to remain continent.

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9 hours ago, splendidrush said:

Worth the read but it should be in the non football section. 

Woah, it's done nothing to deserve that.😀

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If you can someone a flake. Is that offensive these days? I'm thinking its not, but bound to get confused with calling someone a snowflake so maybe

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