The Big Match Build-up

[First Wazzock 966]

It has just been revealed that there was one fan at the Ipswich v Burton game with his dog.

The guy next to him (about 200 yards away) asked why he had brought him along. The owner told him the dog was mega intelligent and loved football. Adding that when Ipswich get a throw in he wags his tail and when they get a corner he barks. The curious fan then asked what does he do when we beat Norwich? Dunno I''ve only had him 8 years...

[ABC (A Basingstoke Canary) 26]

In the words of Basil Brush....."Boom Boom"!

[First Wazzock 966]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their

Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, ''Kemo Sabe, look

Towards sky, what you see? ''

''The Lone Ranger replies, ''I see millions of stars.''

''What that tell you?'' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, ''Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What''s it tell you, Tonto?''

''You dumber than buffalo sh*t.

It means someone stole the tent.''

[First Wazzock 966]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts.

Dr Smith advised her ''Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say,

''Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!''

She did this faithfully for several months!

To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn''t recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, ''Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.''

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ''Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith''s?''

''Yes I am.. How did you know?''

He winked and replied, " Hickory dickory dock...."

[First Wazzock 966]

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin tight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight

she couldn''t get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn''t reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realise that she still couldn''t reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don''t even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma''am, after you reached around and unzipped my trousers three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

[TIL 1010 5,055]

I thought i would treat ''Er Indoors for Valentine''s Day so i went into Ann Summers and splashed out on some underwear. The manageress threatened to call the Police unless i left.

[Feedthewolf 5,520]

Who''s the coolest guy in the hospital?

The ultrasound guy.

Who''s the coolest guy in the hospital when the ultrasound guy''s on holiday?

The hip replacement guy.

[paddycanary 567]

What''s the difference between Portman road and a cactus?

On a cactus the pr)€ks are on the outside

[First Wazzock 966]

Well worth a view...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKhR5oYr7Xk&feature=share

[TIL 1010 5,055]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKhR5oYr7Xk&feature=share[:D][:D][:D]