First Wazzock 902 Posted April 5, 2018 Not seen Scousers this happy over 1 leg since Paul McCartney met Heather Mills. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted April 5, 2018 Paddy says to Mick, "I''m ready for a holiday, only this year I''m going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks, "So what are you going to do this year?" Paddy replies, "I''ll take her with me." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted April 5, 2018 My wife says I only have 2 faults...1. I don''t listenand some other s*it she was rambling on about... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted April 5, 2018 In the event of a nuclear war, all that will be left is Cockroaches, the DFS Sale and Ken Barlow! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted April 5, 2018 The Irish government has advised local councils to save money on lollipop men and women by moving all the schools over to the other side of the road! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted April 5, 2018 Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.Terry had married a woman from Greece .He bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.Jimmie had married a woman from Italy .. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn''t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.The third man had married a Norfolk girl.He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.He said the first day he didn''t see anything, the second day he didn''t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye; just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted April 5, 2018 Russian President Vladimir Putin has been nominated for a Nobel prize in Medicine for his work on clinical depression.Apparently he can predict who will commit suicide the next week in London by just picking up his phone. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted April 5, 2018 For Gods sake, one of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported! Now we don''t have Oleg to stand on! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted April 5, 2018 I''m currently viewing a woman''s profile on a dating site:Blonde 33 From London Great Personality 5ft 3 green eyes.Don''t get me wrong, I like short girls, but 3 green eyes?No wonder she can''t find a bloke. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted April 5, 2018 Chris Eubank has written a book about Ethics.If it sells well he''s going to write a book about Kent as well Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted April 5, 2018 A guy broke into my house last week, he didn''t steal the TV, just the remote. Now the b@st@rd drives by and changes the channels... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted April 5, 2018 Just failed my driving test. When the examiner asked me "what sign would you expect to see down a narrow country lane?" Apparently ‘fresh farm eggs for sale’ wasn’t the answer! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted April 5, 2018 Today''s Inspirational quote...Don''t be a Dick Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted April 5, 2018 The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won''t go to work tomorrow.Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TIL 1010 4,717 Posted April 5, 2018 Recently i have been struggling with an addiction to the hokey cokey but i have managed to turn myself around and that''s what it''s all about. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SwindonCanary 455 Posted April 5, 2018 Think I''ll wait till Friday ! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mello Yello 2,273 Posted April 5, 2018 A bloke staggers home and falls through his front door smashed out of his head with puke all down his front.......His wife was stood at the bottom of the stairs and screamed at him..."The next time you come home in that state and with vomit down the front of your clothes, I will pack my bags and leave you, and I''ll never come back!"......Then she storms back upstairs to bed slamming the bedroom door behind her....A few days later and once again he''s down the pub and again he''s smashed out of his face, then he promptly throws up over his front again.....In a blind panic he turns to his mates and says "I luvz me missus so much but she said she''s gonna leave me if I got pi**ed and threw up over my shirt again, I dunt want her to go I luvz her!" One of his mates says ''stick a £20 quid note in your top pocket and say to your missus that some random geezer threw up over your shirt front and he gave you £20 quid for the inconvenience and the cleaning bill".......So he staggers home and stumbles through his front door where wife''s waiting.......He slurs "sorry luv, but some bloke was sick over me and gave me £20 quid for the inconvenience and the laundry cost".....His wife retorts "but there''s another £20 quid note in your top pocket?".......He slurs "oh yeah, that''s from the other bloke who shat in my pants"...... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Barry Brockes 145 Posted April 5, 2018 This is getting ridiculous.Every morning this week a German Shepherd has come into my garden and done a s--t on my front lawn.Guess what happened today.The cheeky t--t brought his dog with him. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Hairy Canary 667 Posted April 5, 2018 A brunette, redhead and a blond get into a towerblock lift. On the way up the brunette notices something near the floor buttons. Yuk whatever is that she says. The redhead takes a closer look and says oh my God it''s c*m, what dirty sod did that!The blond gets on her knees, sticks out her tongue, thinks for a second and proclaims, it''s Jim from number 84! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
