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Lessingham Canary

O/T Friday afternoon smile time

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One or two heavy threads this week so time to lighten things as we head into the weekend and all that comes from that.So give us your best lines of humour and see if we can get some smiles back on our posters, to start us off;-Mohamed spent a lot of time up the mountains, slaying goats and being cruel to children.Jesus on the other hand spent a lot of time around the lake and feeding folk on fishes............ and that my friends is the difference between Gross Prophet and Net Prophet.I know, i know..... see who has any better ?

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Three Brexiteers go into a pub, one has a Peroni, one has a Carlsburg and the other has a Kronenburg. They then drink thier pints and complain about how crap Europe is.David Davis, Boris Johnson and Liam Fox go into a pub, neither of them can decide what to do so nothing happens.

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Reminds me of my last annual medical check-up in the ''Land of Smiles.''

When it came to the testicle test I was dismayed that an extremely pretty little nurse had been assigned.

As she cupped my balls lovingly I had to fight myself not to get an erection.

Suddenly she said to me, "Don''t worry it''s normal to get an erection during this procedure."

I said, "But nurse, I haven''t got an erection."

She replied with a smile, "No, but I have."

Thankfully I passed.

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Doh. Can''t even get a joke right. [quote user="lake district canary"]The other night we were getting ready to go out and I said to my wife "You''ve drawn your eyebrows too high". She seemed surprised.

[/quote]

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Paddy rushed into the pub and said ''Murphy, someone has just stolen your van''.

''Did you see them?'' asked Murphy

''No but I got the registration number...''

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A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you''ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won''t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You''re going to be okay, you''ll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn''t find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don''t come cheap. It''s roughly £1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It''s important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We''re getting a new kitchen."

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Three dead bodies turned up at a mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

Police called on the coroner to investigate.

"First body," says the coroner, "Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure

while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the Smile," says the Coroner .

"Second body is Gregory Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the Lottery.

Spent it all on whisky and died of alcohol poisoning. Hence the Smile." he says.

The Police Inspector asked, ''"So what about this third body?''"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why the big smile then?" inquires the Inspector.

"He thought he was having his picture taken."

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A recent article in the Cape Times reported that a woman, one Jean Jansen has sued a local Hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently he had lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr. Jansen was actually admitted into our ophthalmology department for laser cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight..."

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A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It''s golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow ?"

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