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Norwich Management Meeting

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Theoretical dialogue of a current Norwich management meeting. Present: Delia Smith, Michael Wynn Jones, Nigel Worthington and Neil Doncaster.

Delia: “ I’ve asked that we sit down today to review exactly where we think we are relative to our objective of promotion this year”

Nigel: “Well, we’re in first place”

Delia: “Nigel, if I wanted a “fan reaction” I would have gone on to The Pink Un message board. What I want to know is, do we have the squad to achieve the objective.”

Michael: “Delia, I think there’s every opportunity that when the final table is published, the critics will be very happy.”

Delia : “If I want a book review I’ll let you know Michael. We’ve put more money on the table than you thought you were going to get Nigel. Is it going to get the job done?”

Nigel: Well, we are going to Rotherham to get a result and it’s game on. We’ll be better able to make an assessment after that.”

Neil Doncaster: “Sounds like you are hedging Nigel. Delia wants a straight answer.”

Delia: “Be Quiet Neil. I’ll tell you when to speak. Nigel, the outing against Bradford was a sham. Bradford could have put 11 stationary objects on the pitch and we wouldn’t have found a way around them”

Nigel: “I think that’s a little harsh. We were still experimenting”

Delia: “ Time for experimenting is over. I want assurances that I am going to see 100% effort from every individual who is on the pitch at all times. That combined with the right talent should get the job done. I’ve got an idea on the talent front. We’ve obviously got nobody capable of controlling the midfield. I’m having a dinner discussion tonight with Nicky Butt.”

Michael: “Delia, really. There’s no chance that he would even consider coming to Norwich. Besides, we couldn’t pull the finances together for such a deal.”

Delia: “ I’ll cook the deal, don’t you worry. Now, what do we need to do about our small forwards?”

Neil Doncaster: “How about putting them in high-heeled boots?”

Delia: “That might make you pay more attention during the games but our miscellaneous expense budget is exhausted. Nigel, here’s the profile for a striker. Not injured already or lacking match fitness, at least six feet tall weighing more than 10 stone, is prepared to go to away matches even if he’s sidelined on that day. Come up with a name.”

Michael: “Delia, I really do think you’re being a little tough today. Have you been eating your own cooking again, I’ve told you about that.”

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Meeting continued,

Delia: " Michael you know I never eat my own cooking and stop changing the subject
we were talking about strikers

Michael: "But Delia,honey we''ve just bought Nigel 3 strikers surely thats enough for now

Nigel: "I am here you know,and yes I know you''ve bought me 3 strikers but I need 1 more right now

Neil D: " 1 more 1 more we can''t bloody afford 1 more,we couldn''t afford Huckerby but you wouldn''t listen to me would you

Delia: " And I told you Doomcaster,sorry Neil,that I wasn''t prepared to let down those regulars on the Pink Un message board who desperately wanted him and besides Michael had already bought me Huckerby shirt for Xmas.

Nigel: "Well my wife bought herself a Crouch shirt for Xmas does that mean I can have him back

Michael: "I told you Nigel that you couldn''t have both of them and besides Darren excites my wife more especially since she kissed him on our sacred turf.

Delia: blushes "Thats true,the last player to make me feel like that was Darren Eadie but I had to let him go after I cooked him a fancy meal one night and he told me afterwards he''d have preffered ham and chips.What an insult!

Neil D: "Can we get back to football please, we always end up talking about food.Now Nigel you''ve had all you''re going to get so you''ll just have to get on with it

Nigel: "Well as I said an hour ago we are still in 1st place, but I can''t help thinking that 1 more striker and maybe 1 more midfielder would guarantee we''d stay there.

Michael: "I keep reading this ''speculate to accumulate'' business but Nigel you''re pushing us too far this time.

Nigel: "But Delia,you just said you were having dinner with Nicky Butt

Delia: "Yes but he wants some cookery lessons nothing to do with football, silly

Neil D: "Thank God for that!(wiping his brow)

Michael: "Calm down Neil you know the doctor is worried about your blood pressure

Delia: "Lets all calm down,ok so we were crap against Bradford,but as Nigel said he was experimenting,lets just hope his experimenting days are over.

Nigel: "Thanks for your vote of confidence Delia

Delia: "But believe me Nigel if we dont get it right against Rotherham you will get heavily criticized

Neil D: "Don''t worry, Nigel doesn''t read that message board if we lose,it upsets him too much,theres some strong characters on there

Delia: "So it should upset him, those fans on there support us from all over the world.There''s one called Yankee something,can''t remember his name,found his posts quite amusing until he suggested we joined forces with the scummers,gone right off him now.Idiot!

Neil D: "Right thats it, lets close this meeting our time is too valuable to discuss the scummers.Any other business

Nigel: "No not really,but can I take it thats it a no to Crouchy then.

Michael: "You always have to have the last word Nigel

Nigel: " But Michael I only need 1 more ........

This post comes from a lady, who, when they eventually bought her beloved Huckerby thought she had died and gone to heaven,hence her new name!

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My God,stop what you''re doing everyone Yankee has paid me a compliment,he must be still be half asleep!As for my friend Wizard he would never send me to coventry,Yankee,he has a soft spot for me,not sure he''ll ever find one for you though!

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nice one city angel - what a great laugh this thread is, wish i had more time to add some more, up to my eyes in paint right now lol

agree with you re the wizard, where are you mate, come back and wind them all up, we miss you

yankee, hilarious post - as for delia''s cooking, i am carrying on her good work right now, ask rainbowchaser for some rave reviews

could send you one of my pizzas but not sure of the charges to the states or the state of the pizza on arrival

city angel, hope to see you b4 the sheff utd game!!

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Gazza,glad you are enjoying this thread,all credit to Yankee for a great idea.

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Yankee,
Think there will be another management meeting after this game to discuss how they can keep Iwan in his own half,bless him,but didnt he make up for his mistake.
4 - 4 final result another point towards our run for premiership football, just need Sheffield Utd to lose at tea time, cmon West Ham.

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yeah, what was going on with the defence today, first iwan in our box, then mckenzie, surely they should be up the other end

and what was ronnie moore doing to hucks in the tunnel

if i ever get near to him he will NOT be sitting in a stand for a long, long time

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Agreed gazza,no-one touches our Hucks and I mean no-one.Defence needs looking at too so will put both items on the agenda for next management meeting.Think Yankee is attending next meeting so he will let us know outcome in due course.

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Sorry City Angel, just caught up with this, loads of hard work on your part, and it gave me a
right old laugh.

Don''t worry Gazza, the old wiz is still here, he''s just having a little rest, as he can''t find anything to moan about apart from moaners, talk about the pot calling the kettle!.

And do you know I think Mr Yankee C, in truth really fancies me, he doth protest a little too much I think. Sorry YC, could''nt resist it.

Best regards. The other Ist wizard.

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Glad you enjoyed it wizard,as for Yankee fancying you you may have a point but you never can tell with him!

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Gazza, I was disappointed with your response. I thought the question you asked ( on another thread I think ) was how you could improve, so I just suggested to stop swearing. That would be a fine improvement but, of course, if you prefer to use profanity in life nobody can stop you. I just hope the moderator reads this and uses good judgement to remove bad language from future submitted posts. If you don''t want input, don''t ask the question. Also, when you resorted to a threatening comment in your last message you are just advertising an additional character flaw. Most of us get rid of these flaws in our late teens. Possibly you are still at that stage. If so, please accept my apology.

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yankee

disappointed at my response, what was that then, telling you where to get off?

ummm, got out of the wrong side of bed did we?

Why should i stop swearing, just because you can come on here and blast out posts with not one anglo saxon word doesn''t make you a better person, i use all sorts of language, as do a lot of people, and no one else seems to be offended by it.

The moderators has put up with me for a long time and not once asked me (or edited) any posts (except when they got too near the knuckle with relevance to certain grey suited gentleman). So why should he/she do what you suggest?

I have never said i don''t "want input" i just respond to your posts in my usual way, maybe they are not the sort of answers you expect, sorry for that, we are not all the same are we!

Threatening? god, i am the least threatening person you could ever hope to meet, what i say is in jest mate, i am sure some of the other members of this board can back me up on this. I would not even kill a fly (honest).

I am as far removed from my teens in age as you obviously are, but i haven''t lost my sense of fun, sorry about that, you will just have to take me (and others) as we are.

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