Christmas jokes ?

[CANARYKING 634]

No football for a few days, how about some jokes to keep us talking ?

[YorkshirePudding 0]

Marks And Spencers'' advert states that it wouldn''t be Christmas without M&S.

They''re actually right too. It''d be Chrita.

[morty 0]

The guy who invented predictive text died yesterday - his funfair is next monkey.

[Kidderminster Exile 0]

Ipswich

[Gainer the Gopher 0]

One week into the 12 Days of Christmas (7 swans, 6 geese. 4 calling birds, 3 hens, a couple of turtle doves and a partridge) my true love said to me, "Enough with the friggin'' birds already!"

[morty 0]

[:|]

[A Load of Squit 5,111]

This year you''ll be able to see what everyone in the world got for Christmas, you just need to install the ''Insantagram'' app on your ''phone.

[morty 0]

I like my women how I like my Christmas cake.Full of alcohol and moist.

[Number9 272]

No sex for me over Xmas, it''s the Christmas period

[CANARYKING 634]

Pretty poor so far

[morty 0]

[quote user="CANARYKING"]Pretty poor so far[/quote]So you''re about to blow us all away with your effort?

[Katie Borkins 1]

Took my girlfriend on a romantic holiday to the Lake District last weekend.

Cockermouth?

No, she wouldn''t let me.

[lappinitup 629]

The Jeremy Kyle 12 days of Christmas

12 cans of Carling,

11 DNA tests,

10 dads to choose from,

9 teeth between them,

8 squeezed in tracksuits,

7 stinking smackheads,

6 Dunlop trainers,

5 stolen rings,

4 fat slags,

3 ugly tw@ts,

2 timing bast@rds,

and a w@nker who parades them on TV……[:D]

[Lessingham Canary 99]

David McNally once bought his children a pack of batteries for Christmas with a note on it "Toys are not included".

[Midlands Yellow 3,920]

Any chance of one half funny joke ?

[morty 0]

Jeez, tough crowd.

[djc 0]

what''s the difference between Snowmen and Snow-women?

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* Snowballs *

[djc 0]

A snowman standing in a farmer''s field turns to his neighbours snowman, and asks "Can you smell carrots?????....."

[Mr Jenkins 0]

I''m giving my wife a false leg for Christmas, it will just be a stocking filler!

[ron obvious 1,495]

Fiorello: Hey, wait, wait. What does this say here, this thing here?

Driftwood: Oh, that? Oh, that''s the usual clause that''s in every contract. That just says, uh, it says, uh, if any of the parties participating in this contract are shown not to be in their right mind, the entire agreement is automatically nullified.

Fiorello: Well, I don''t know...

Driftwood: It''s all right. That''s, that''s in every contract. That''s, that''s what they call a sanity clause.

Fiorello: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You can''t fool me. There ain''t no Sanity Clause!

[SwindonCanary 455]

Good King Wenceslas phoned

Domino''s for a pizza. The salesgirl asked him:- ''Do you want your usual?  Deep pan,

crisp and even?''

[johnnyryan1970 0]

A young chap asks his mammy for something to wear and something he can play with fir Christmas....

....she bought him a pair of trousers and cut holes in the pockets!!

[Nuff Said 5,081]

What''s the cheapest way to get around Bethlehem?

On Lidl donkey

[King Klose 0]

There has been lots of debate recently about whether Muslims should be allowed to wear the burka in the UK.

Personally I think a more pressing issue is, should they be allowed to wear rucksacks.

🙈

[King Klose 0]

My favourite sexual position is the Kanye West.

We both get on a stage in front of loads of people while I humiliate her and scream how Beyonce is a better fuck.

[King Klose 0]

Got run over by a limo this morning.

Took f u c k ing ages.

[King Klose 0]

I like my women how I like my advent calendar.

Against my wall, flaps open, ready to be eaten.

[YankeeCanary 0]

Little Johnny!

The teacher asked the class what part of their body was most important when they think of going to heaven. 

Nancy was the first to put up her hand. She said, "I think it''s the hands Miss."

Teacher says, "Why do you say that Nancy?

Nancy: "Because you hold them up in front of you when you pray Miss."

Teacher: "That''s very good Nancy. Anyone else have an opinion?"

Little Johnny: "Miss, I''m certain it''s the feet."

Teacher: "The feet? Why ever would you say that Johnny?"

Little Johnny: "Because Miss, late last night I walked past my parents bedroom and I heard my Mummy say, "Oh God! I''m coming.'' Then when I peeked in the door her feet were pointing straight up to heaven."

The teacher fainted.

[Katie Borkins 1]

What did the angry snowman say to the carrot?

"Get out of my face."

[Lessingham Canary 99]

Knock Knock

Who''s there?

Wayne

Wayne who?

Wayne in a manger...!