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First Wazzock

It's Friday again...

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Three Ladies are playing the fourth hole at a well-known golf course when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.

The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.

The first lady says, ''He is definitely not my husband. ''The second lady gazes at his manhood and says, ''He is not mine either.'' After a very considered inspection, the third lady finally says: ''He''s not even a member of this club.''

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The teacher was telling the class about the birds and the bees and explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.

Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss?

I think youre getting your birds mixed up ''cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag in Scarborough.......”

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Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London. Paddy looking in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read...

"Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £3.00 each, Trousers £4.50 per pair".

Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at these prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune!”

“Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking ''cause if they hear our accents, they might think we''re thicko''s from Ireland and try to screw us. I''ll put on me best English accent."

"Roight y''are Paddy, I''ll keep me mout shut, so I will. You do all da business," said Mick.

They go in and Paddy says in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I''ll take 50 suits at £5.00 each,100 shirts at £3.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £4.50 each. And oy’ll back up me truck ready to load ''em on, so I will."

The owner of the shop said quietly, "You''re from Ireland, aren''t you?"

"Well, yes" said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?”

The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."

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The students were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following 25 statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. incorrect spelling has been left in.

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.

2. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. he fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

7. Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread , which is bread without any ingredients .

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments .

9. The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miricle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah''s wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 Decibels.

22. The Epistels were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

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Little Johnny watched his daddy''s car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy''s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, let''s save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy''s face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story, so Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy''s car go back into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs."

Mummy fainted!

Moral: sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

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Lovemaking tips for Seniors

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for three minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 999 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner''s name on your hand in case you can''t remember.

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don''t end up under the bed.

7. Have aspirin ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want...the neighbors are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!

10. Don''t even think about trying it twice.

''OLD'' IS WHEN...

Your sweetie says,

''Let''s go upstairs and make love,'' and you answer,

''Pick one; I can''t do both!''

''OLD'' IS WHEN...

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you''re barefoot.

''OLD'' IS WHEN...

Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

''OLD'' IS WHEN...

You don''t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don''t have to go along.

''OLD'' IS WHEN...

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

''OLD'' IS WHEN...

''Getting a little action'' means you don''t need to take a laxative today.

''OLD'' IS WHEN...

''Getting lucky'' means you find your car in the parking lot...

''OLD'' IS WHEN...

An ''all nighter'' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

''OLD'' IS WHEN...

You''re not sure if these are facts or jokes.

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We were dressed and ready to go out for a dinner and theater evening. We turned on a ''night light'', flipped the answering machine on, covered our pet parrot and put the cat in the backyard. Then we phoned the local taxi company and requested a ride.

The taxi arrived and, as we opened the front door, the blasted cat scooted back in the house. We didn''t want her shut in the house because she always tries to get at the parrot. So my wife walked out to the taxi while I went back inside to get the cat - who ran upstairs with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife didn''t want the driver to know the house would be empty for the night; so she explained that I would be out in a minute. "My husband''s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out. She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me, but it worked! So I hauled her downstairs and threw her back out in the yard! She''d better not sh*t in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the taxi was deafening.

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An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door his wife started on him.

''What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I''m not reheating it''. And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband''s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged that night. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. ''They''re not hanging Wright tonight,'' she said.

He whirled around and screamed . . .''FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON''T YOU EVER STOP?

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Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina puts her hand up and says "I have two questions" "Why did the Russians take Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?" Putin says "Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.

When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Tatiana, puts her hand up and says "I have Four questions"

"My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And Where is Alina?"

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A man goes to visit his 85-year old grandpa in the nursing home.

"How are you grandpa?", He asks.

"Feeling fine", says the old man.

"What''s the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus".

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn''t be better. These young nurses take really good care of me".

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"

"No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o''clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet and that''s it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.

"What are you people doing", He says. "I''m told you''re giving my 85 year grandpa Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can''t be true?"

"Oh, yes", replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o''clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed".

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A man wakes in Fremantle Hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you''ve regained

consciousness. Now you probably won''t remember, but you were in a huge

pile-up on the Forrest Highway. You''re going to be ok, you''ll walk

again and everything, but your pen*s was severed in the accident and

we couldn''t find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance

compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new

pen*s. They work great but they don''t come cheap. It''s roughly $1000

an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many

inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over

thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be

a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only

invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It''s important

that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We''re getting a new kitchen."

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Husband went to the sheriff''s department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I''m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don''t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don''t know exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with Eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don''t worry buddy. We''ll find your truck.

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Eve''s Side Of The Story

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. ''So, how is everything going?'' inquired God.

''It is all so beautiful, God,'' she replied. ''The sunrises and sunsets are

breath-taking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have

just one problem.

It''s these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They''re a real pain..''

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two

breasts might leave her body more ''symmetrically balanced''.

''That''s a fair point,'' replied God, ''But it was my first shot at this, you

know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half

of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.''

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the


Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

''Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?''

''Just fantastic,'' she replied, ''But for one oversight. You see, all the

animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the

animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.''

God thought for a moment and said, ''You know, Eve, you’re right. How I could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let''s see … where did I put that useless t*t?’

Now doesn''t THAT make more sense than all that nonsense about the rib?

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